“Me – time” ….. is it selfish?

Many adults/parents ask me if “me-time” is a selfish concept.

They ask: “if I make time for myself, am I being selfish?

Time For Myself

I usually respond with a question: “What is the purpose of this ‘me- time’?”

And the answers are:       “to get clarity”

                                                  “to see where I am going wrong”

                                                  “to figure out what I need to say or do next”

                                                  “to breathe”

I then ask them “would you say these answers are selfishly motivated?”
and the answer is: “NO!”

SO …………………….

The “me-time” is a METHOD not a goal!!

slefish seslfless image-1053398818

The purpose of this “me-time” is then to REFUEL so that a parent/adult can

be selfLESS SUCCESSFULLY ! 😊

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More POWERful? HEART or MIND??

Ques: Which one is more POWERful and has INTERNAL rule?

Ans: To function healthily we need to have a BALANCE of POWER!

If there is a POWER imbalance, where the HEART or the MIND becomes more POWERful than the other,then we experience an IMbalance of POWER 😦

The HEART and the MIND are a TEAM, with EQUAL POWER!!

heart-and-mind partners

They should not work solo, because each one has a specific function. If either one takes the POWER and decides to rule alone, then that part will try and function in a way that it was not designed for.

The MIND can’t function as the HEART and the HEART can’t function as the MIND!

A MIND that’s too POWERful can result in feelings of  indifference

A HEART that’s too POWERful can result in feeling emotionally overwhelmed

SO…. Practice…

INTERNAL EQUALITY & BALANCE of POWER 🙂

hear and ind balacne (1)

demotivated?

Ques: Why do we get demotivated?

failure

 

Ans: 1: We do something we don’t like and it’s out of our comfort zone

        2: We do something we are not good at and there is a high potential to fail

        3: Our past experiences record and remind us of our failures of doing it

SO…….CHANGE  the record of FAILURE  to  a record of SUCCESS 😊 de motivated cuttingt

Ques: How?

Ans: 1. Do the OPPOSITE of “all of the above”

  • Do something you like and are comfortable with
  • Do something you are good at, and there is a high potential to succeed
  • Your current experience will record and remind you of your success 😊

 

girl with areatoplnae wings on

SUCCESS is the solution for demotivation !!! 

What’s your “LABEL”?

labelsIts not unusual for a client to announce first thing, when sitting down with me, that they have been diagnosed and labeled as a: “depressed person”, “angry person”, “anxious person”.

Yet when I ask them what THEIR diagnosis of themselves is, they reply:

“I don’t think I really know – it’s true I often GET angry, but does that make me an angry person?” or  “I am WORRIED about my relationship and my job, but does that make me an anxious person?”

To help someone who is struggling and unsure of what is going on in themselves, a diagnosis with a “label” is given.

BUT, “labels” are only meant as a guide – a possible reason for why you could be feeling like that.

Don’t let it be a SENTENCING!

So…….

When next you receive a diagnosis and a “label”, remember it is ONLY to be received as a STARTING POINT! It’s a place to begin your exploration of the possible source of your struggles.

And who knows – you might even want to come up with your OWN “label”?

write here1)

DEPANXGY” ?

DIVORCE – what to tell the children?

It is so sad to hear small children blaming themselves for their parents divorce.

divorce stick

When asked why they think their parents are getting divorced, many reply:

“because of me”

The question estranged parents often ask is: “why would our daughter/son think that?”

The answer: “because they have no other reason available to them”

Am I suggesting we tell our children the nitty-gritty of our divorce reasons, no.

But its important to give the children a reason for the divorce that is acceptable because it is both reasonable and understandable. If parents give no reason then the children could assume the “default” reason:

child and divorce

“because of me”

SO…

*Be clear what reason you are wanting to give them – if possible discuss this with your ex.

* Tell your children when you are calm and not in anger nor pain.

*Present them with a reasonable, age appropriate explanation for the divorce.

 

___________boundaries_________

Q: Why is it difficult to keep boundaries in relationships?

dfrawing line

When you make boundaries and find they are being broken, ask yourself why?

If YOU feel your boundaries are unfair and you feel GUILTY for making them, you will allow them to be BROKEN and ignored.

crossing over line footprint

When you allow this violation of your boundary, you are in effect saying to the one crossing the boundary, that it is okay, because the boundary wasn’t good to start with.

This causes confusion and will affect all other boundaries you have or are setting up.

On the one hand you have declared your boundary line and on the other hand you almost welcome the violation of it, because that boundary made you feel GUILTY 😦

GUILT-FREE  boundaries are strong and can withstand much !!!

 

Remembering = EMPOWERING!

When we meet people, who are struggling with a painful event in their lives, and are feeling powerless, the temptation is to offer the following advice:

“just forget about it.”

“Just put it out of your mind.”

But does this advice really work?

NO…

Empowerment doesn’t come in forgetting, empowerment comes in REMEMBERING what STRENGTHS you have! If you have been victorious once, you can be victorious AGAIN!

old ribbons

SO….REMEMBER and Be EMPOWERED!!

STORING Your BOXES!

Many people box their disappointments or issues that they feel unable to confront at the time it occurs. double-wall-boxes_1

They tell themselves that they will open the box when they are feeling able to examine its contents, and make any decisions.

This can be a very helpful method of coping with emotional issues when you are not in a place of strength.

BUT…

This “boxing” method is meant ONLY to be a TEMPORARY storage method and not a permanent one!

If you leave the boxed issues in permanent storage, you will soon discover that you have run out of space and you are no longer able to store any other boxes.

storage full of boxes

  When your storage facility is full, you can be left in a very precarious position and panic can set in …panic

): “I’ve run out of space, what now?”

): “which box do I throw out without examining?”

): “Do I have to examine this box even though I know I am not ready?”

 

My suggestion:

*Slowly work through your boxes that are in temporary storage. Don’t let them build up!

*Get support and find a trustworthy confidante or counsellor to be with you when you work through the really painful boxes. 😊

Does the TRUTH … HURT?

You are probably familiar with the phrase: THE TRUTH HURTS”?

But it is NOT the truth that hurts, it’s the HALF the truth that hurts!

If you need to tell someone the truth, remember to tell the WHOLE TRUTH, or you will unintentionally state inaccuracies and leave the listener feeling hopeless. You will, unintentionally, pass judgment by speaking only half the truth.

Example of a HALF truth spoken:

o-SAD-COUPLE-facebook

“Your relationships always end poorly, so don’t expect to have a happy marriage!”

The Listener is left with the idea of there being little chance of a successful marriage and feels hopeless

Example of a WHOLE truth spoken:

happy conversation

 “Your relationships that have ended poorly can be due to a number of factors, and because you are expecting to have a happy marriage, its best to discover these factors.”

The Listener can acknowledge the quality of his/her past relationships and realize that there are factors to consider if the expectation of a happy marriage is to be achieved, and feels HOPE 🙂

So…. Tell the TRUTH…

THE WHOLE TRUTH!!!

Starting “BIG School” ADVICE!

In South Africa, many children are starting “BIG SCHOOL” (grade 1) for the FIRST time this year, and parents are wanting to give their children some ADVICE before sending them off to school.

Listed below are my 1-2-3  words of ADVICE:teaching-strategies-positive-classroom

#1: GENERAL AND DIVERSE!

Enjoy building up GENERAL knowledge about DIVERSE topics at school. Be a SPONGE and soak up all the info! (specializing at too young an age can restrict learning)

#2 STAY UNIQUE!

Don’t follow the crowd, you might get lost in it!

#3 The teacher is NOT your MOM/DAD!

What makes the teacher happy is NOT THE SAME as what makes Mom or Dad happy.

Mom or DAD might enjoy hugs & kisses, BUT a teacher would like you to do your homework!

mothers-day-clipart-proud-parent-7