DEPRESSION :(

If you are struggling with depression, could it be due to  incorrect self-reflection?

You reflect on your life thus far and see only a picture of failure and disappointment?

BUT is this self-reflection accurate?

Or are you mistaking a “collective” reflection for a personal one?

Meaning, if you are wanting to form an accurate self-reflection, you can only look at the decisions and happenings that are in your control. If you bunch “in my control” with “out of my control” together, an inaccurate reflection will result. When you have this distorted reflection, it is impossible to change without discerning which part of the reflection is in your control to change and which part is not?

You can only change what is in your control. You cannot change the other reflections because they are outside your control. These external decisions and consequences are not to be part of your self-reflection, they belong to another’s self-reflection.

So the next time you look at the “reflection of your life”, make sure you are see ONLY YOUR Self-reflection!

FRAMING UR RELATIONSHIP

When talking about relationships, I like to use the analogy of a picture FRAME and beautiful ARTWORK.

The FRAME represents the relationship itself and the ARTWORK represents the partners that make up this relationship.

If you choose your FRAME before you see the ARTWORK, you might discover the FRAME is not appropriate nor does the ARTWORK fit inside. If this happens the ARTWORK (partner/s) might be encouraged to make it fit. For example, one or both partners might feel the need to either stretch or shrink themselves to fit the FRAME. This, unfortunately, has negative consequences for the ARTWORK (partner/s) and for the FRAME. Feelings of resentment and unfairness are often the results.

* The idea should be that the ARTWORK determines the shape, size and type of FRAME and not the other way around. *

When a partner/s feel their relationship is in trouble, perhaps it would be a good idea for both partners to look at themselves in the light of the ARTWORK they are making, and then TOGETHER to determine if the FRAME they are working in is suitable for their ARTWORK.

MISS communication??

Communication is like a game of Catch, where 1 person sends a message (throws a ball) to the other who is waiting to catch/receive it.

Unfortunately, MISunderstandings in relationships are usually a result of MIScommunication.

How often do we hear these words: “But you DON’T’ understand!!”

 “That’s NOT what I meant!”

Although there are a few other factors that could be responsible for these MIScommunications, I would like to suggest the following primary reason:

You didn’t ‘throw’ the message correctly 😦

Thus, the delivery of the ball/message was either unclear or disrespectful.

If this happens, it’s as if the Catcher either misses the ball/message or is hit by the ball/message. In other words, the receiver will misunderstand what was said or will feel disrespected by the message and MIScommunication results.

🙂 SOLUTION 🙂

When you are communicating to another, and you are responsible for throwing the ball/message, be MINDFUL of how you are going to deliver it.

It is the THROWER’S responsibility to deliver the message CLEARLY, and APPROPRIATELY.

“Me – time” ….. is it selfish?

Many adults/parents ask me if “me-time” is a selfish concept.

They ask: “if I make time for myself, am I being selfish?”

I usually respond with a question: “What is the purpose of this ‘me- time’?”

And the answers are:       “to get clarity”

                                                  “to see where I am going wrong”

                                                  “to figure out what I need to say or do next”

                                                  “to breathe”

I then ask them “would you say these answers are selfishly motivated?”
and the answer is: “NO!”

SO …………………….

The “me-time” is a METHOD not a goal!!

The purpose of this “me-time” is then to REFUEL so that a parent/adult can

be selfLESS SUCCESSFULLY ! 😊

More POWERful? HEART or MIND??

Ques: Which one is more POWERful and has INTERNAL rule?

Ans: To function healthily we need to have a BALANCE of POWER!

If there is a POWER imbalance, where the HEART or the MIND becomes more POWERful than the other,then we experience an IMbalance of POWER 😦

The HEART and the MIND are a TEAM, with EQUAL POWER!!

They should not work solo, because each one has a specific function. If either one takes the POWER and decides to rule alone, then that part will try and function in a way that it was not designed for.

The MIND can’t function as the HEART and the HEART can’t function as the MIND!

A MIND that’s too POWERful can result in feelings of  indifference

A HEART that’s too POWERful can result in feeling emotionally overwhelmed

SO…. Practice…

INTERNAL EQUALITY & BALANCE of POWER 🙂

demotivated?

Ques: Why do we get demotivated?

 

Ans: 1: We do something we don’t like and it’s out of our comfort zone

        2: We do something we are not good at and there is a high potential to fail

        3: Our past experiences record and remind us of our failures of doing it

SO…….CHANGE  the record of FAILURE  to  a record of SUCCESS 😊 

Ques: How?

Ans: 1. Do the OPPOSITE of “all of the above”

• Do something you like and are comfortable with
• Do something you are good at, and there is a high potential to succeed
• Your current experience will record and remind you of your success 😊

 

SUCCESS is the solution for demotivation !!! 

What’s your “LABEL”?

Its not unusual for a client to announce first thing, when sitting down with me, that they have been diagnosed and labeled as a: “depressed person”, “angry person”, “anxious person”.

Yet when I ask them what THEIR diagnosis of themselves is, they reply:

“I don’t think I really know – it’s true I often GET angry, but does that make me an angry person?” or  “I am WORRIED about my relationship and my job, but does that make me an anxious person?”

To help someone who is struggling and unsure of what is going on in themselves, a diagnosis with a “label” is given.

BUT, “labels” are only meant as a guide – a possible reason for why you could be feeling like that.

Don’t let it be a SENTENCING!

So…….

When next you receive a diagnosis and a “label”, remember it is ONLY to be received as a STARTING POINT! It’s a place to begin your exploration of the possible source of your struggles.

And who knows – you might even want to come up with your OWN “label”?

“DEPANXGY” ?

DIVORCE – what to tell the children?

It is so sad to hear small children blaming themselves for their parents divorce.

When asked why they think their parents are getting divorced, many reply:

“because of me”

The question estranged parents often ask is: “why would our daughter/son think that?”

The answer: “because they have no other reason available to them”

Am I suggesting we tell our children the nitty-gritty of our divorce reasons, no.

But its important to give the children a reason for the divorce that is acceptable because it is both reasonable and understandable. If parents give no reason then the children could assume the “default” reason:

“because of me”

SO…

*Be clear what reason you are wanting to give them – if possible discuss this with your ex.

* Tell your children when you are calm and not in anger nor pain.

*Present them with a reasonable, age appropriate explanation for the divorce.

 

___________boundaries_________

Q: Why is it difficult to keep boundaries in relationships?

When you make boundaries and find they are being broken, ask yourself why?

If YOU feel your boundaries are unfair and you feel GUILTY for making them, you will allow them to be BROKEN and ignored.

When you allow this violation of your boundary, you are in effect saying to the one crossing the boundary, that it is okay, because the boundary wasn’t good to start with.

This causes confusion and will affect all other boundaries you have or are setting up.

On the one hand you have declared your boundary line and on the other hand you almost welcome the violation of it, because that boundary made you feel GUILTY 😦

GUILT-FREE  boundaries are strong and can withstand much !!!

 

Remembering = EMPOWERING!

When we meet people, who are struggling with a painful event in their lives, and are feeling powerless, the temptation is to offer the following advice:

“just forget about it.”

“Just put it out of your mind.”

But does this advice really work?

NO…

Empowerment doesn’t come in forgetting, empowerment comes in REMEMBERING what STRENGTHS you have! If you have been victorious once, you can be victorious AGAIN!

SO….REMEMBER and Be EMPOWERED!!